Exercise Equipment For People

By Posted by fn // Labels: body, equipment, exercise, exercise equipment, fitness, fitness equipment, home gym, treadmill, workout

A bike that pedals for you and a spacesuit that eats your fat. Welcome to the future.

Paradigm ACTIVcycle Motorized Exercise Cycle, $95

I’m not going to lie to you: according to Amazon, the item most commonly purchased with this motorized exercise cycle is the Gopher Pick Up and Reaching Tool—the metal claw for people who can’t or won’t reach items around their house. However, I can’t deny the obvious appeal of a bike that mostly pedals for you that you can also use while sitting on the couch and watching television.

Weighted Hula Hoop, $39.40

You already spend the majority of your free time practicing synchronized hula hoop routines, so why not kick it up an extra notch? Kidding aside, hula hooping has become the latest exercise craze—there are even “hooping” classes at the Y. It’s actually kind of fun, and definitely beats running around desert mountains in toe socks.

Sweet Sweat, $25

Rub this gooply goop all over your body to make your workouts or walks to the bathroom a million times more effective. It increases heat production to fatty tissue areas by creating a portable sauna-like environment. Kind of like Icy Hot, I gather? Except rubbing this all over your body will probably make you look awesome at the gym...or on the couch with the cats.

Far-Infrared Slimming Suit, $205

How does the Far-Infrared Slimming Suit work? It’s infrared: you wouldn’t understand. Suffice it to say that it is made for cellulite reduction and weight loss, and that you put it on if you want to look so good. Climb inside of it daily for 30 to 45 minutes, heat it up to 140 degrees, and watch the fat melt away—along with your skin, tissue, and bones.

Chi Vitalizer, $157

Why just revitalize when you can Chi-vitalize? Exactly. This mechanical incarnation of all Ancient Chinese Secrets uses an elliptical motion pattern to gently manipulate your spine through your feet. It promises a raised metabolic rate as well as relaxation, toning, and weight loss. If you think these things aren’t all compatible or able to come from lying on your back and putting your feet on a jiggly pedestal, it’s clear your chi has been benumbed.

Giddyup!, $545

Ever wanted to ride a horse but afraid your tremendous girth will give Mister Ed a spinal bruise? Then Giddyup!, partner. This core exercise machine simulates the movements of being in the saddle, without you having to do anything at all but hang on. Plus, it promises to have you losing more calories in only three short months! Just let this video speak for itself. Yee-haw!

Skeletal Fitness DVD

Mirabai Holland, M.F.A. (don’t be fooled—this stands for Master of Fine Arts, not Master of Fitness Actions) created this DVD with Dusty the Skeleton to help women with osteoporosis. This means it’s perfect for you. Exercises include holding a towel above your head. You know you can handle that—you do it every meal to wipe the sweat off. Just kidding, dude. We all know you just let it drip.

CherFitness: A New Attitude VHS, $3

Though the 82 minute routine is no picnic, watching Cher and friends perform crunches in lace-lined bike shorts and suspenders while music from The Eurythmics and Free plays in the background sure is motivating. As an added bonus, these women can teach you how to rock the shit out of black sneakers and mid-calf white socks.

Facial Exercises Value Pack, $39.95

You may not be able to pick your fat ass off the couch, but can't you at least peel your face from the pile of drool? Carolyn, of Carolyn's Facial Fitness, wants you to know that you can exercise using only your facehole. The Value Pack, which comes with an instructional DVD and a CD to help you keep pace (there's a science to this), can be yours for only $40. Sample exercise: "Jowl Lifter."

VibraSlim, $1699

Though the VibeShop website offers page after page of scientific testimonials and legalese, let me break the VibraSlim down for you: you stand on it and it vibrates. That's it. If you're hard-up for videos of young women's butts jiggling at a violent pace, this might be a good website for you. Otherwise, save yourself the nearly two G's and put a saddle on the dryer.

The Flex Belt, $199

Wanna get a super-sexy six-pack? It’s time for me to let you in on the secret jocks are keeping from you: electricity. Yes, jocks sit in front of the TV all day and eat hot dog omelettes just like you—they just own Flex Belts. Using conductive gel pads stuck on your sensitive human skin, the Flex Belt sends electrical shocks through your body to stimulate your muscles into growing all awesome. But does it work? Well, the website reports that 100% of users reported that their abs felt more firmed, while 92.3% reported that the firmness of their abdominal muscles increased. If this doesn’t make sense to you, it’s clear you just don’t understand science.

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